There’s one thing that we all crave in common. Having beautiful conversations, having meaningful conversations, of course. We all want to be seen as interesting, fun, resourceful while we’re conversing. It’s not an assumption, but a fact; a healthy one of course. Nothing wrong with it.
We want to contribute while conversing. Say something smart, say something witty, say something life altering, so on.
The thing here is most often than not we all feel like we ARE filling in those categories. This, what we’re talking about today is not to discuss the five tips to become a better conversationalist. There’s enough talk going on about that, enough content on that.
But what’s spoken about very little is about the mistake that we’re making when we’re having conversations, especially when we think we are “contributing”.
What we’re talking about is the things we’re silently/subtly (or at least we think subtly) doing while we are engaging in conversations where we have the upper hand and people are listening to what we have to say.
What most people actually do instead of contributing is that they’re dictating significance. You know, those “Humble braggers”? I’m sure you know someone. You’d have wound up being in at least one such conversation in your life where you would just keep going in your head: “God, will you stop blowing your own horn!”
I’m sure you’ve felt this, or to be more truthful, been the hornblower yourself. No, this is not about speaking of people who “brag”, that’s one thing.
But all those people who genuinely are insightful and have a lot to share often end up making these costly mistakes which come at the cost of their image.
When you’re talking, here’s a mindset which you need to have powerfully nailed into your head: “CONTRIBUTION”.
Seek to contribute, not to seem significant. Even if you’re very well accomplished and the people you’re talking to aren’t as much as you are. Here’s what seeking for significance does:
Work backwards. Wondering what I mean when I say backwards?
While 7/10 might not be able to spot it for the sheer lack of knowledge on human behaviour. There’s someone, and in larger gatherings, several are going to identify your insecurities.
Wait what? Where did we land from accomplished to insecure? Eh? Yep, we did.
Because the one who’s comfortable with himself, and is naturally proud of himself, will not seek significance from anyone but himself, but the insecure person will seek it from anyone and everyone else possible.
For people who thought success/knowledge brought in confidence; apparently, it doesn’t.
The rush you get from social significance doesn’t last too long anyway. While they may be satisfied and proud, most often than not they still go back to feeling insecure. It doesn’t last.
Think about it; to bring about a case study of the need for a bully to BULLY. Why do bullies bully? To feel significant.
And where does the need for significance come from? From lack of self esteem. Need to assert dominance in order to seek superiority.
Don’t agree with me?
Look at any man with intense power. Look for people who have been heavily accomplished and those who own themselves. Their flaws and their strengths. No matter what position they may be in, they wouldn’t find a need to show their power and loan significance.
Take into account Vladmir Putin (he’s the one to strike my mind as I write this), see how people like that move, look, talk, walk. There’s enough self imposed pride and confidence that they don’t have to do anything to gain from outside.
So If you’re one of those people who seek significance, trying to command it during conversations isn’t the way for it. If you want to really be seen as significant; just care to contribute and be comfortable in your own shoes. As.Simple.As.That.
So are you going to assert significance and be secretly insecure? Or you’re going to be simple, contribute and by default seem as significant?
You decide. Because significance doesn’t need any additional effort. It just needs proper values and to live by them.